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I will be happy, I will be happy....

2007-05-24 / 8:41 a.m.

Yesterday, I knew it was going to be a bad day when, at 4:30 in the morning, I woke up in a pool of my own blood. I'm sorry if that is too much information for you all, but that is the crappy way my day started. Of course I had to get up and deal with the situation. I was finally able to lay down on the couch about 5:30, praying that I would be able to get a little more sleep before the girls got up. I finally fell asleep around 6:15, when my cell phone went off - wrong number! Bastard! Thankfully the girls didn't get up until 7:00ish, so I got a tiny bit more rest.

The day itself was okay. I got a lot done around the house and even spent some time printing pictures in hopes of trying to get back to my scrapbooking. And then, the bomb dropped. After dinner, and before we were leaving for church, Martha called. It's a long pathetic story, that involves a ton of manipulation, crying, condesending, martyring and just plain stupidity - you know, usual Martha stuff. Basically, I talked to her a few days ago and told her I would get back to her on when we would come see her. She called hysterically crying and very upset with me that I hadn't called her in, "over a week". Now, I know she loses track of the days, and that's fine, but she was really worked up. She was screaming at me, I was screaming at her. It was a long drawn out mess that even as I am typing, I can feel my heart racing. It basically boils down to the fact that I just spent a week with my dad and I am going to my aunt's (her sister) this weekend and she feels left out. I can understand those feelings, and can even have a little compassionate feeling about it, if she would have presented it in a way other than screaming and hysterically crying. I told her that I wouldn't let her do this to me- manipulate, patronize, blame me, guilt me ect. and she Freaked out! "I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO YOU! YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME......"blah blah blah. I should be used to the "terrible daughter" routine, but it still gets to me. It took me a couple of hours and a lot of venting to Dan and Beth before I could calm down.

I had a terrible nights sleep and I have even been playing with the idea of just showing up today. But I think she would feel like her act worked and that can not happen. Plus, I don't want to go see her. I don't think she really wants to see me anyways. She just wants to see the girls. She didn't even say a single word to me about my birthday. Nothing. It was like it never happened. Nothing about Mother's Day either. Didn't even mention the card I sent her, or anything. I get very bitter about the fact that I am supposed to be this adoring, loving, care-giving daughter that takes care of her mother, but she doesn't have to be a mother to me anymore. She can't possibly get it that I don't want to care for her when she shows no care for me. She has told me before that, "her job is done". Whatever, like I said, it's nothing new.

Tonight, Matt and Beth are coming to take us to dinner to celebrate our birthdays. I can hardly wait. People who actually care about me! Not that there aren't other people who care about me, it's just I can't wait to be around people who love me...in their presence, you know?

Then tomorrow morning we will go to my aunt's. I am nervous it is going to turn into a bitch session about Martha, as it usually does. I'm not in the mood. I'll have to lay down the rules right away - no talk of Martha. It should be nice to relax and spend time with them. If the weather is warm enough, we may even go in their pool. And when we leave on Monday, we are going to Martha's. I am SO not looking forward to it. That is why I almost want to do it today, to get it over with, but I'm not ready yet. I basically ended the conversation with her, saying that we would be there Monday and I hung up on her. I know, not nice, but she was being terrible to me. At least this way, Dan will be with me and that will be a good buffer.

Ok, enough, I will be happy today and I will be in a good mood. And now, I will go do the breakfast dishes.

K

crawling * walking

TIAKTYWYK - 2007-06-12