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Dear Diary,

2007-11-12 / 2:51 p.m.

Dear Diary:

Today is a entry in which I am pouring myself out to you. It is a warning to those reading that if you are sick of hearing me complain lately, then move along - nothing for you to read here.

My feelings include the following:
tired
exhaused
frustrated
sad
disrespected
confused
sorrowful
bothered
angry
tearful
depressed
restless

It has been a really hard past several days for me. I feel like I am usually a really good communicator, but apparently, I'm not. Dan and I keep going around and around and I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired. I feel like I keep running into a wall, backing up, and doing it all over again. I can't get him to understand how I feel, or what I am trying to get across to him. He sees one issue, while I see another. He is arguing about money and while money is part of my issue, it's not the root of it. I've tried to be very clear on how I am feeling and what I think needs to happen, etc. Sometimes he agrees or says things that make it seem like he understands, but then nothing changes. I've heard the words before - it's the action that I'm interested in. I feel like I am constantly giving in or "compromising", but I can only do so much before I feel like I am being taken advantage of or not being appreciated for my role in this family. I wholeheartedly want to be home with my children, and the thought of anything else makes me cry, but not at the expense of not being appreciated for all I do - simply because I don't earn a paycheck! I go through phases of feeling under appreciated, but this has hit a whole new level.

I know people fall into ruts. I know it's natural for things to come to a head every once and a while. It's just really affecting me. Dan is not confrontational and wants to say what he thinks I need to hear and move on - acting as if we are fine. I can't work that way. I need to see changes before I believe things are fine. Nothing gets me more worked up then him trying to kiss on me and act normal. I love my husband more than anything, I just wish I felt like he felt the same. It comes down to feeling like I am a priority. I miss the man who used to cherish and adore me. I hate that every single thought comes down to whether or not money is involved. He can't love me because it costs money? I don't understand. I'm not asking for anything but respect, appreciation and love. I know we will not agree on everything, and sometimes it is okay to agree to disagree.

The last straw for me today was when he told me that he was making a "date" with his friend to play xbox on-line on Friday night. Lately, all he has been doing is playing xbox or watching sports. Once the girls are down, I usually don't complain - he's a grown man and can do what he wants for entertainment. I like to read and craft, and he doesn't complain about that. But when I am feeling so neglected lately, and to see that he can make time for that, and not set aside time to make things right with me - I have a hard time.

I keep having thoughts of packing the girls and myself up for a couple of days and getting away. I know that it doesn't solve anything and I keep telling myself that I need to be a bigger person than that, but really, I just want to run away. I want him to get a small reality of how much I do for him. I don't want to do it as punishment, just as a wake up call. Would he miss me? Honestly, the work load would triple for him if I left the girls, but I couldn't be away from them, nor do I want to be.

I've cried, I've talked, I've screamed, I've been quiet - nothing seems to be getting me to a better place or Dan closer to understanding. I've mentioned counseling, but Dan sees it as another thing we can't afford. I don't think I can afford for our marriage to go where it is heading. I refuse to live seperate lives under one roof. I miss him. I desperately want him to miss me. I feel lost. I question every thought that comes into my head. Am I being too stubborn? Is it worth this unhappiness to not just give him his way, again? I don't want a temporary fix. I want a change. I don't know how to get that change when all Dan is willing to look at is the money issue. I can't say it enough - it's not about how much money we have in our account. I'm not a spender, I don't want to be able to spend more money, I don't want more money. I just want to be respected and not treated like a child asking for permission. I just want to be put above worries about money. I don't think it is too much to ask. I don't want to be told it's "too hard" - I deal with issues all the time that are "too hard" - that doesn't mean I can't be a wife anymore, or a parent anymore. You don't just stop being when it is too hard.

I know these thoughts are scattered, but they are down and out of my head. Maybe that is one more thing I can do to help. I don't know.

crawling * walking

Viva Las Vegas! - 2007-12-18