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Recent realizations

2008-04-24 / 12:41 p.m.

I have made a couple of major realizations within the past couple of days. We had Bg2's second birthday party this past weekend, and it went really well. There were a lot of people at our house and it seemed like everyone had a good time. I always feel bad because there is never enough time for me to talk to everyone. We had some friends come down from No.CA with their twin girls. I was really excited they were going to be able to make it to the party and then stay for a couple of days following. Here's where Realization #1 comes into play. There are lots of different focus' parents have for their children. For example, I am focused on having obedient and well-mannered children. It is not an easy focus and requires a lot of consistency and determination. I am often too hard on myself for constantly being on the girls, but am starting to see the pay off when my girls are able to obey at the appropriate time. Other parents might be focusing on making sure their two year olds know their letter sounds, but they can't obey or sit in a stroller without throwing a major screaming tantrum or are constantly being bribed with something. Personally, I would much rather my 2 year old do as she is told (most of the time) than know her letter sounds. While I obviously want my girls to be smart, I think there is a progression in what we teach them. When they can do as they are told, sit and listen, they can learn.

Realization #2: I am drawn to a similar type of person for a friend. I like them to be real and honest and when I sit and think about my closest friends - they all come from extremely close, and sometimes large, families. I know that I am drawn to that because it is not what I have, but have always wanted. Here's where it becomes problem for me. Those who are close to their families, spend lots of time with their families - as they should, but that leaves very little time for others. Lately, I am having a hard time with that. My closest friends in life either live in another state, making it difficult to spend time with them, or they are heavily involved with other members of their family. I know it is nothing intentional towards me, and it is nothing that I would want differently for my own family. I know that I need my friends more than they need me. They have their family to be close with, where as I don't have that. I hate feeling needy or desperate to belong, but if I'm honest with myself, I DO feel that way. Now, my friends have never done anything to make me feel like I don't belong to their family, I'm just realizing that I am getting lower and lower on the priority list for some. And I know that is how it has to be for some, but it is still hard. I don't know if this even makes sense. It's hard to articulate something that hurts, but you know isn't due to wrongdoing, so how does it change?

crawling * walking

My Sucky Day - 2008-05-16